Solving a Problem using Rogerian Argument

This situation all begins with two best friends. Judy, 17, befriended Anne, who is 18. The two girls have been good friends for about year and are almost joined at the hip. Judy started to develop feelings for Anne’s 22 year old brother, Rob. Anne was not happy about the idea but decided to let them hang out just to see what would happen. They hung out, and Judy started to blow off Anne for her brother Rob. While Judy slept over Anne’s one night, she snuck into Rob’s room while Anne was asleep. Apparently, Rob was tickling Judy and she was kicking on the wall. The kicking woke Anne up and also her dad. Anne was pushing the door open to her brother’s room to yell at Judy and Rob when her father came up the stairs. He immediately started yelling and throwing a fit because Judy was in Rob’s room. This is a bad situation in Anne’s father’s eyes because Rob and Judy were setting a bad example for his younger sister and because it violates the house rule (no members of the opposite sex in your bedroom). Anne got in trouble because her father’s thought she had something to do with the situation. Anne did not like the idea of her friend Judy with her brother. After about a month and a half, Judy decided that it would be better for Rob and her to just be friends. Judy knew very well that Anne was not happy about what went on and how things were dealt with, and the fact that she got in trouble for Judy and Rob’s wrong doings.

 After last Christmas, Judy started talking to Anne’s older brother, John, who is 23, on the phone. Anne didn’t think much of it because John had a girlfriend and Judy claimed to be giving him advice. Then, within a week, John asked Anne if both she and Judy would like to go see a movie with him. John asking the girls to the movies was really strange considering he never ever hung out with Anne before mainly because of the difference in age between the two. Anne declined because she wanted to spend time with her boyfriend instead. The next day, Anne found out Judy and John ended up going to the movies together. She was not happy at all, and she expressed that to them. Anne felt much disrespect by Judy considering Judy knew how Anne felt about what went on with Rob. They both agreed that they wouldn’t see each other unless Anne was o.k. with it. Anne told them both that she wasn’t o.k. with Judy and John seeing each other. They told Anne they wouldn’t see each other then. For the next couple of weeks Judy and John went behind Anne’s back and saw each other even though John had a girlfriend. Anne found out and got upset, and many problems arose in both Anne’s and Judy’s relationship and also in Anne and John’s relationship. Since then Anne and Judy have had problems with their friendship because John interrupted their friendship. They have not talked in almost a year.

            John and Judy’s concerns/points are that they want Anne to be happy for them. They want Anne to be happy in general. They also believe that they should be able to see whoever they want, and that Anne can’t control who they see. They believe that Anne should be happy that they are happy. They also don’t seem to care what she thinks, and they are going to do what they want whether she likes it or not.

            Anne’s concerns/points are that Judy is wrong for John. Judy is seventeen, while John is twenty-three. That is a five year difference. Anne also believes that there is an unwritten rule that states you do not date your best friend’s family members. Anne wants to also have a normal relationship with Judy and not have her brother interfere in any way. Anne doesn’t want to see Judy hanging around the house with her brother. She feels Judy should be there to be with her instead. Anne just simply does not want Judy and John together. Anne is mainly concerned that Judy will spend more time with John and it will interfere with Judy and Anne’s relationship. She also doesn’t want Judy to come around the family as John’s girlfriend.

The problems they are encountering are that Judy is getting all of her and Anne’s other friends involved, creating tensions and conflict with other friends. Anne is doing the same thing, and the friends are taking sides and forming hatreds when they shouldn’t be involved at all. Since Anne asks other friends for advice and stuff and Judy knows she is wrong, Judy feels threatened to go to school because she doesn’t want to be looked down upon in a school environment. Judy believes she should just be there for school and that’s it. She shouldn’t have to deal with anything else. Judy tries to get Anne in trouble with the school administrators, it doesn’t work out. Also, Anne and John’s family is getting involved, and their conflict is causing stress in the family.

            Carl Rogers says that “it is just when emotions are strongest that it is most difficult to achieve the frame of reference of the other person or group (Rogers 421).” Because emotions are strongly involved, common ground must be reached so that both parties are happy with the outcome. Common ground they can use begins with Judy deciding her friendship is worth more than a boy and just be friends with Anne’s brother. Another possibility would be if Anne could just accept them being together and stop being so difficult, Judy and John could date but not come around Anne or Anne’s family or house. They should date on their own time and own place.  Also, Anne could allow them to date and see the family but John and Judy have to promise to keep separate their relationship from her relationships.

            In order to compromise, each party needs to give a little and take a little. The compromise here would be that Anne can accept John and Judy together and allow them to be together. They need to make sure they don’t bring their relationship into Anne and Judy’s relationship or Anne and John’s relationship. Also, the family will try to keep things that way. Emotions play a key role in all of these problems. Jealousy should not have played a role in this either, but it did. Anne may not like them together, but she has to accept that they are together or else they won’t be happy. People shouldn’t try to control who other people date and who people see. If more people were willing to compromise there would be fewer problems in relationships.

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